Barbara Bush: “Lil’ Bush Accurate Portrayal of President”

by: Rad Raines

NEW YORK - In a recent interview with W4 magazine, former first lady, Barbara Bush, admitted that the popular Comedy Central animated sitcom, Lil’ Bush does, in fact, capture the essence of a younger George Bush.

According to sources at W4, the delectably dude-ish Lady Bush opened the “Seinfeldian” vault, and disgorged on son, George, over a variety of topics for their annual Mother‘s Day issue.

“It was an extremely honest interview” said editor-in-chief, Marcy Green. ”I was pleasantly surprised, and equally shocked that she divulged what she did!”

The two hour buzz session, which took place backstage at a New York City fundraiser for retired Jewish sports legends, touched on everything from George’s doll obsessive childhood to his presidency, citing several instances where the 43rd president was less than proficient in the White House.

One excerpt concedes the President’s frolicsome relationship with former British Prime Minister, Tony Blair.

“George loved to spend time with Tony. They would hold hands and skip around the White House like two peas in a pod. He would treat Tony’s visits like a slumber party, occasionally inviting Condi [Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice] and Cheney [Vice President, Dick Cheney] to spend the night. They looked adorable in their footsie pajamas!”, she remarked. “George [Senior] and I would chaperone the gatherings, read them stories, organize games and make them snacks like smores or brownies.”

The May issue of W4 magazine (White Women With Whiskers) hits newsstands March 2008.

Queens Man Flies!

by: Rad Raines

NEW YORK - A Queens man, who has allegedly achieved the power of flight, was spotted overhead yesterday by patrons at a local Hess gas station in Kew Gardens, New York.

Eyewitness accounts claim the man, described as “Hispanic or Indian“, waved gingerly as he hovered above a crowd of onlookers, before zipping across Queens Blvd., and eventually vanishing into thin air.

“I felt a breeze above my head and looked up and saw him flying around!” said Boris Nevkin, one of several witnesses confirming the phenomenon. “He had on a pair of eye goggles and a small cape that barely covered his back. I didn’t see or hear any engine or ropes but it was definitely good cape weather.”

While the identity of the friendly flyer is unknown, many locals agree that he likely resides in the neighborhood.

“I’ve seen him online at Key Food [a local supermarket] and actually talked to him a couple of times. One time he was buying [like] ten boxes of Dramamine and he told me he gets airsick.” said Inna Vish, one of the onlookers.

Whether or not the mystery man will use his power for good or evil has yet to be determined, but a sharp decline in reported cat tree rescues suggests he intends to help the citizens of Queens.

Police officials and the FBI have launched a joint investigation and are currently tracing the flyer’s last known trajectory for clues to his identity.

Dear Betty is back....

Dear Betty,

For the second time in two weeks I walked in on my son being inappropriate by himself with anime on the tv. I had no idea there was a cartoon like this. If it was regular porn, I might have knocked or waited until it was off, but with all the giggling and cartoon noises I was really surprised. I understand it is completely natural to touch yourself but if that’s what he is watching I’ll never know when its safe to come in.

Then the other thing about it, cartoons. Is that sexy? I know Jessica Rabbit is sexy, and maybe those powder puff girls but, cartoons that look real? Is there something wrong with my son? Will he prefer Betty or Veronica? Do I have to hide the newspaper?

Paige Stuk

Dear Paige,

You should not be alarmed about anime. We all have different ways of reaching physical bliss. For me, it’s jockey underwear ads. I love them briefs (but that’s another story).

Well first of all you should knock. You need to set some boundaries in your home, and he needs his. It sounds like he is ready for some privacy. I would definitely hide your Archie comics, they’re collectibles but you can give him Family Circus.

Betty

U.S. Army Intelligence Administers Déjà Vu Serum to Soldiers

By: Rad Raines

WASHINGTON - Science Fiction inched closer to reality this week for a group of U.S. troops stationed in Iraq.

The elite company of hand picked soldiers weren’t recipients of the latest state of the art weaponry or gadget. In fact, they received little more than a glass of water containing a concentrated dosage of an experimental serum known as DVU.

The highly controversial drug which has suffered extensive scrutiny among many top ranking army officials is believed to speed reaction time in combat situations by enabling the individual the power of clairvoyance.

According to army intelligence reports, the serum was created in the late 1990’s and deemed unethical, but escalating casualties and a growing demand for troop withdrawal has prompted the government to revisit all available options at it‘s disposal.

Perhaps more disturbing is an addendum contained in accompanying files, indicating that as far back as the 1930’s, early forms of DVU were administered to the general populous through the water supply, causing what is universally known as déjà vu. Washington denies these reports.

But, some top brass have come forward to defend the accuracy of these early tests. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one proclaimed, “Déjà vu is clearly not a natural phenomenon, but a man-made agent formulated by our government. Anyone who experiences this sensation is likely a descendant of someone infected some 70 years ago.”

“Anyone who experiences this sensation is likely a descendant of someone infected some 70 years ago.”

Obama Campaign Still Recovering From Elbow Tit Controversy

by: Frank Peters

Las Vegas, NV – During a recent Democratic Presidential Debate Young Democratic hopeful Barak Obama became embroiled in the latest political scandal. “I was walking off the stage when I suddenly felt a large force on my right breast,” said Senator Hillary Clinton. “I looked up and was shocked to see Mr. Obama’s elbow extended toward my chest as he put his coat on.”

It was reported that Obama then feigned absent-mindedness and said, “Woops, didn’t see you there. You ought to watch out where you’re going.” Many found it curious, though, that Obama was walking in the opposite direction of the exit. He also had his coat on during the entire debate and thus had no reason to put it on as he was leaving.

When Clinton’s camp made allegations that this was a deliberate act, Obama responded with a second elbow theory. “If you take a closer look at the video footage, you can see Kucinich walking by at that exact moment,” Obama said. “I’m sure that if you freeze frame it you will be able to see his Elbow striking her chest.” Clinton’s campaign rejected this theory as being logistically impossible.

Upon leaving the stage, Obama was reportedly seen giving Joe Biden a high five.

Popular Cereal Causes Prejudice; Hate Crimes

by: Rad Raines

MINNESOTA - Facing pressure from the FDA, General Mills Inc. has issued a recall of it’s popular breakfast cereal, Cheerios, while scientists investigate consumer claims that the popular cereal incites racism and violence.

Although the accusations currently lack the support of an official study, FDA officials say preliminary tests give reason for immediate concern and action.

“Upon our own limited internal exploration of the product, we find that further investigation is necessary.” said FDA Vice President, Charles W. Hoffman. “Our independent findings found FDA employees who sampled the cereal were more prone to racial slurs and anti-Semitic remarks than usual.”

According to court documents, two individuals have filed grievances claiming that their use of the “n” word escalated after eating Cheerios for breakfast, provoking social complications and loss of employment.

In the meantime, Cheerios has been removed from the shelves of retailers throughout the nation by request of the FDA.

A spokesperson for General Mills says the company is cooperating with the FDA and honoring it’s requests, noting that the recall was not legally enforced, but adhered to as an ethical response to yet undetermined accusations.

“We intend to fully cooperate with the FDA, despite a lack of scientific evidence to support it‘s claims. We hope this proves General Mills‘ cares for it‘s customers to the utmost degree.” said General Mills in a statement to ABC news.

General Mills is best known for it’s extensive line of cereal, baking and Pillsbury Doughboy ad campaigns.

Giuliani Abandons Evangelicals; Targets Secular Vote

by: Rad Raines

NEW YORK - Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani unveiled his latest campaign strategy at a press conference in Midtown Manhattan on Monday.

The pro-choice, gay rights wobbler, who failed to sway conservative Christian support with his ill-fated “Ten Commandments” ad blitz late October, revealed that he will effectively abandon pursuit of the Christian vote and reach out to Atheist and Agnostic communities.

“The Christian majority obviously found my Ten Commandments campaign insincere.” Giuliani told reporters. “The negative backlash distracted attention from my heroic 911 triumphs anyway, so we quickly ditched it. 911 is my bread and butter!”

The short lived Ten Commandments crusade, which showcased Giuliani’s ten most notable political efforts joined with future policies, was scorned by most religious groups and political analysts.

“In retrospect, it may not have been a good idea to inscribe my achievements and future testaments on two stone tablets.”

Any doubt of Giuliani’s intent was affirmed during his famed October appearance in Manhattan‘s Central Park. The speech, complete with the two hefty tablets standing in the foreground, was shamelessly dubbed the “Park of the Covenant” by organizers.

A New Hope

Despite his early antics, recent polls suggest “America’s Mayor” is favored to receive the Republican nomination next September. Experts say his incessant flip flopping and Agnostic embracement do not appear to be a threat.

Longtime Giuliani consultant, Monty Steiner supports the new directive. “Rudy’s given godless skeptics a voice. This is politics - sometimes you have to sin to win!”

Study Says Pheromones Contributing to Global Warming

by: Rad Raines

WASHINGTON. Scientists for the Center For Global Affairs are urging Washington to introduce a bill that would limit the amount of sexual activity in humans.

In a recent study conducted in Northern Alaska, human pheromones were shown to release a similar affect to greenhouse gases, contributing to the deterioration of the earth’s ozone layer and global devastation.

“We have determined that when escalated, sexually stimulated pheromones trigger adverse effects to our environment, ultimately contributing to global warming” said Professor Milton Miles, who headed the independent study.

The solution, according to Miles, is the limitation of sexy advertisements, the banning of women observing men performing manual labor, the banishment of pornography and gentleman‘s clubs and restrained masturbatory entitlement.

“Controlling these temptations, is the greatest preventative we can offer at this time. Man can no longer afford to act on it’s own perversions. We can’t expect other species to adhere to these precautions. It’s up to the human race to control these horny feelings and save the world by limiting our desires to a minimum.”

How the government would enforce this movement has yet to be determined, but the majority of the Democratic controlled Congress have expressed extreme measures if necessary and hope to streamline the bill for a January vote.

An anonymous source from Washington confirms that high ranking officials in the C.I.A. are considering endorsing the findings, which could potentially lead to fines and imprisonment for an overabundance of sexual activity among Americans.

Bob's in South Pangea

My 3 nights in Chester, South Pangaea

Hello, my name is Bob, and I am an ordinary citizen like you or your neighbor. I am a blogger for the First Internet Broadcast Network. For the next 6 weeks I will be traveling from place to place, around the globe. From time to time I will let you know about all the strange and interesting things around me.

Right now I am in Chester, South Pangaea. Chester is located in the center of South Pangaea, it is a mountainous village in a completely flat country.

As I arrived in Chester I could not believe my luck, I was greeted by the strangest thing I has seen in some time. I was baffled because I had not seen this back home and I knew it was impossible to exist anywhere else, well considering the topography and all.

As my night took that unexpected twist I wound up at my first Galoot ritual (it’s the dominant religion in Chester) there was a lot of dancing and drinking. The most unusual Paloot (religious chief) greeted me and offered some of his peculiar smelling drink. It tasted like grass mixed with cola, not bad, not good, but definitely different. Quite fortunately that beautiful concoction left me with a strange sensation in my head.

While I was enjoying this rather exquisite feeling, I lost track of time and space and the next thing I knew I was I was in my underwear in a wooden tub filled with ice. At first I began to panic, I thought of all the urban legends about the slums of West Pangaea, my head began to feel fuzzy and the world went in and out of focus, but as soon as I summoned the strength I climbed out of the tub one lazy bone at a time. As I was beginning to understand my surroundings, my faculties began to thaw out, and I had the strongest feeling of love in side of me. And at the exact same time people were compelled to surround me and I realized I was still at the Galoot ritual.

It was the ugliest, nastiest, most beautiful thing I had ever been through and I was glad it was only once.

The rest of the trip was rather uneventful, so I am moving on. Stay tuned for the next posting.

Trash for Energy - One man's quest to fight the system

By: Frank Peters

Waterville, ME – Local ne’er-do-well and former bouncer, Edward Pelletier, has been making a name for himself of late by starting his own electric company. His rise to prominence started inauspiciously in the summer of 2005.

“I was watching TV and some guy was talkin’ ‘bout how they can use trash to make electricity and I thought [darn] man, I got lots of trash. I should start doin’ it,” Pelletier said. “I got extension cords, plugged one end in my trash cans and the other end in my house and bam, I got electricity.”

Baffling scientists, Pelletier has managed to convert the stored energy in trash into actual usable energy. “In order to convert this energy, the trash must be combusted,” said a Professor of Physics at Colby College. “I don’t know what Mr. Pelletier is doing here but it is not as simple as he might lead you to believe.”

Said Pelletier, “I don’t know how it works. I just know it works.”

Many locals swear by it. “I couldn’t imagine living without it. I was really sick of depending on corporate electricity. I wanted some good old fashioned local electricity. Sure it might not run as smoothly as standard electricity, but that’s part of its charm,” said Jane Fuller.

Pelletier’s electricity is not without its detractors, however. Because of its high price and frequent outages, Eddie’s Electricity has not caught on among Waterville’s poorer residents.

Said longtime friend of Pelletier, Tim Dubois, “That [nogoodnik] still owes me money.”

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