WASHINGTON. Scientists for the Center For Global Affairs are urging Washington to introduce a bill that would limit the amount of sexual activity in humans.
In a recent study conducted in Northern Alaska, human pheromones were shown to release a similar affect to greenhouse gases, contributing to the deterioration of the earth’s ozone layer and global devastation.
“We have determined that when escalated, sexually stimulated pheromones trigger adverse effects to our environment, ultimately contributing to global warming” said Professor Milton Miles, who headed the independent study.
The solution, according to Miles, is the limitation of sexy advertisements, the banning of women observing men performing manual labor, the banishment of pornography and gentleman‘s clubs and restrained masturbatory entitlement.
“Controlling these temptations, is the greatest preventative we can offer at this time. Man can no longer afford to act on it’s own perversions. We can’t expect other species to adhere to these precautions. It’s up to the human race to control these horny feelings and save the world by limiting our desires to a minimum.”
How the government would enforce this movement has yet to be determined, but the majority of the Democratic controlled Congress have expressed extreme measures if necessary and hope to streamline the bill for a January vote.
An anonymous source from Washington confirms that high ranking officials in the C.I.A. are considering endorsing the findings, which could potentially lead to fines and imprisonment for an overabundance of sexual activity among Americans.
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