Barbara Bush: “Lil’ Bush Accurate Portrayal of President”

by: Rad Raines

NEW YORK - In a recent interview with W4 magazine, former first lady, Barbara Bush, admitted that the popular Comedy Central animated sitcom, Lil’ Bush does, in fact, capture the essence of a younger George Bush.

According to sources at W4, the delectably dude-ish Lady Bush opened the “Seinfeldian” vault, and disgorged on son, George, over a variety of topics for their annual Mother‘s Day issue.

“It was an extremely honest interview” said editor-in-chief, Marcy Green. ”I was pleasantly surprised, and equally shocked that she divulged what she did!”

The two hour buzz session, which took place backstage at a New York City fundraiser for retired Jewish sports legends, touched on everything from George’s doll obsessive childhood to his presidency, citing several instances where the 43rd president was less than proficient in the White House.

One excerpt concedes the President’s frolicsome relationship with former British Prime Minister, Tony Blair.

“George loved to spend time with Tony. They would hold hands and skip around the White House like two peas in a pod. He would treat Tony’s visits like a slumber party, occasionally inviting Condi [Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice] and Cheney [Vice President, Dick Cheney] to spend the night. They looked adorable in their footsie pajamas!”, she remarked. “George [Senior] and I would chaperone the gatherings, read them stories, organize games and make them snacks like smores or brownies.”

The May issue of W4 magazine (White Women With Whiskers) hits newsstands March 2008.

Queens Man Flies!

by: Rad Raines

NEW YORK - A Queens man, who has allegedly achieved the power of flight, was spotted overhead yesterday by patrons at a local Hess gas station in Kew Gardens, New York.

Eyewitness accounts claim the man, described as “Hispanic or Indian“, waved gingerly as he hovered above a crowd of onlookers, before zipping across Queens Blvd., and eventually vanishing into thin air.

“I felt a breeze above my head and looked up and saw him flying around!” said Boris Nevkin, one of several witnesses confirming the phenomenon. “He had on a pair of eye goggles and a small cape that barely covered his back. I didn’t see or hear any engine or ropes but it was definitely good cape weather.”

While the identity of the friendly flyer is unknown, many locals agree that he likely resides in the neighborhood.

“I’ve seen him online at Key Food [a local supermarket] and actually talked to him a couple of times. One time he was buying [like] ten boxes of Dramamine and he told me he gets airsick.” said Inna Vish, one of the onlookers.

Whether or not the mystery man will use his power for good or evil has yet to be determined, but a sharp decline in reported cat tree rescues suggests he intends to help the citizens of Queens.

Police officials and the FBI have launched a joint investigation and are currently tracing the flyer’s last known trajectory for clues to his identity.

Dear Betty is back....

Dear Betty,

For the second time in two weeks I walked in on my son being inappropriate by himself with anime on the tv. I had no idea there was a cartoon like this. If it was regular porn, I might have knocked or waited until it was off, but with all the giggling and cartoon noises I was really surprised. I understand it is completely natural to touch yourself but if that’s what he is watching I’ll never know when its safe to come in.

Then the other thing about it, cartoons. Is that sexy? I know Jessica Rabbit is sexy, and maybe those powder puff girls but, cartoons that look real? Is there something wrong with my son? Will he prefer Betty or Veronica? Do I have to hide the newspaper?

Paige Stuk

Dear Paige,

You should not be alarmed about anime. We all have different ways of reaching physical bliss. For me, it’s jockey underwear ads. I love them briefs (but that’s another story).

Well first of all you should knock. You need to set some boundaries in your home, and he needs his. It sounds like he is ready for some privacy. I would definitely hide your Archie comics, they’re collectibles but you can give him Family Circus.

Betty

U.S. Army Intelligence Administers Déjà Vu Serum to Soldiers

By: Rad Raines

WASHINGTON - Science Fiction inched closer to reality this week for a group of U.S. troops stationed in Iraq.

The elite company of hand picked soldiers weren’t recipients of the latest state of the art weaponry or gadget. In fact, they received little more than a glass of water containing a concentrated dosage of an experimental serum known as DVU.

The highly controversial drug which has suffered extensive scrutiny among many top ranking army officials is believed to speed reaction time in combat situations by enabling the individual the power of clairvoyance.

According to army intelligence reports, the serum was created in the late 1990’s and deemed unethical, but escalating casualties and a growing demand for troop withdrawal has prompted the government to revisit all available options at it‘s disposal.

Perhaps more disturbing is an addendum contained in accompanying files, indicating that as far back as the 1930’s, early forms of DVU were administered to the general populous through the water supply, causing what is universally known as déjà vu. Washington denies these reports.

But, some top brass have come forward to defend the accuracy of these early tests. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one proclaimed, “Déjà vu is clearly not a natural phenomenon, but a man-made agent formulated by our government. Anyone who experiences this sensation is likely a descendant of someone infected some 70 years ago.”

“Anyone who experiences this sensation is likely a descendant of someone infected some 70 years ago.”