Study Says Pheromones Contributing to Global Warming

by: Rad Raines

WASHINGTON. Scientists for the Center For Global Affairs are urging Washington to introduce a bill that would limit the amount of sexual activity in humans.

In a recent study conducted in Northern Alaska, human pheromones were shown to release a similar affect to greenhouse gases, contributing to the deterioration of the earth’s ozone layer and global devastation.

“We have determined that when escalated, sexually stimulated pheromones trigger adverse effects to our environment, ultimately contributing to global warming” said Professor Milton Miles, who headed the independent study.

The solution, according to Miles, is the limitation of sexy advertisements, the banning of women observing men performing manual labor, the banishment of pornography and gentleman‘s clubs and restrained masturbatory entitlement.

“Controlling these temptations, is the greatest preventative we can offer at this time. Man can no longer afford to act on it’s own perversions. We can’t expect other species to adhere to these precautions. It’s up to the human race to control these horny feelings and save the world by limiting our desires to a minimum.”

How the government would enforce this movement has yet to be determined, but the majority of the Democratic controlled Congress have expressed extreme measures if necessary and hope to streamline the bill for a January vote.

An anonymous source from Washington confirms that high ranking officials in the C.I.A. are considering endorsing the findings, which could potentially lead to fines and imprisonment for an overabundance of sexual activity among Americans.

Bob's in South Pangea

My 3 nights in Chester, South Pangaea

Hello, my name is Bob, and I am an ordinary citizen like you or your neighbor. I am a blogger for the First Internet Broadcast Network. For the next 6 weeks I will be traveling from place to place, around the globe. From time to time I will let you know about all the strange and interesting things around me.

Right now I am in Chester, South Pangaea. Chester is located in the center of South Pangaea, it is a mountainous village in a completely flat country.

As I arrived in Chester I could not believe my luck, I was greeted by the strangest thing I has seen in some time. I was baffled because I had not seen this back home and I knew it was impossible to exist anywhere else, well considering the topography and all.

As my night took that unexpected twist I wound up at my first Galoot ritual (it’s the dominant religion in Chester) there was a lot of dancing and drinking. The most unusual Paloot (religious chief) greeted me and offered some of his peculiar smelling drink. It tasted like grass mixed with cola, not bad, not good, but definitely different. Quite fortunately that beautiful concoction left me with a strange sensation in my head.

While I was enjoying this rather exquisite feeling, I lost track of time and space and the next thing I knew I was I was in my underwear in a wooden tub filled with ice. At first I began to panic, I thought of all the urban legends about the slums of West Pangaea, my head began to feel fuzzy and the world went in and out of focus, but as soon as I summoned the strength I climbed out of the tub one lazy bone at a time. As I was beginning to understand my surroundings, my faculties began to thaw out, and I had the strongest feeling of love in side of me. And at the exact same time people were compelled to surround me and I realized I was still at the Galoot ritual.

It was the ugliest, nastiest, most beautiful thing I had ever been through and I was glad it was only once.

The rest of the trip was rather uneventful, so I am moving on. Stay tuned for the next posting.

Trash for Energy - One man's quest to fight the system

By: Frank Peters

Waterville, ME – Local ne’er-do-well and former bouncer, Edward Pelletier, has been making a name for himself of late by starting his own electric company. His rise to prominence started inauspiciously in the summer of 2005.

“I was watching TV and some guy was talkin’ ‘bout how they can use trash to make electricity and I thought [darn] man, I got lots of trash. I should start doin’ it,” Pelletier said. “I got extension cords, plugged one end in my trash cans and the other end in my house and bam, I got electricity.”

Baffling scientists, Pelletier has managed to convert the stored energy in trash into actual usable energy. “In order to convert this energy, the trash must be combusted,” said a Professor of Physics at Colby College. “I don’t know what Mr. Pelletier is doing here but it is not as simple as he might lead you to believe.”

Said Pelletier, “I don’t know how it works. I just know it works.”

Many locals swear by it. “I couldn’t imagine living without it. I was really sick of depending on corporate electricity. I wanted some good old fashioned local electricity. Sure it might not run as smoothly as standard electricity, but that’s part of its charm,” said Jane Fuller.

Pelletier’s electricity is not without its detractors, however. Because of its high price and frequent outages, Eddie’s Electricity has not caught on among Waterville’s poorer residents.

Said longtime friend of Pelletier, Tim Dubois, “That [nogoodnik] still owes me money.”

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